Thursday, June 25, 2009

The definition of insanity

"We can have peace if we let go of wanting to change the past and wanting to control the future." ~Lester Levinson

I have failed miserably at finding peace this week. And this quote sums it all up. When will I realize that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, hoping to get a different result?

No matter the distance I put between my family and past hurtful situations, comments and judgements, I will never heal until I realize that nothing can upset my peace but me. A psychologist once told me that in the equation A + B=C, I may not change A(the person), B (the situation) but I do have control over C (how I react).

This may all sound very aloof, but I cannot blog about the situation without hurting someone I really love.

I shall reread Lester Levinson until I find the peace and wisdom to abide by the words.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Whisper

I have come to the conclusion that knowledge is a a dangerous thing. It can alienate you. It can make you become paranoid. It can disrupt your tranquility.
I have been reading for some time now (because I read all books these days at a snails pace, unless traveling) Animals, Vegetables and Miracles by Barbara Kingsolver.
This book has allowed me to see things clearer in terms of what I can do easily to help the country and myself to a healthy green alternative lifestyle. Yet I find I am alienating myself from my friends and my family. I have become an "unrealistic" person. "I don't face reality" is a term I hear a lot. I am becoming obsessed by reading passages to whoever is near me, preaching on about electricity wasted, or by going on about subsidized farming. To be blunt, I am making my friends very unhappy.
I understand this. I too get frustrated with friends who are constantly harping on about the way our country is doomed or friend's whose children are paranoid to eat anything not grown organically. I watch as terror seems to fill their whole existence and now I am becoming one of them! "No! I don't want that chicken, it has hormones in it!" "How can I eat that? It has Soy lecithin! It has corn syrup! It has aspartame!" I can never eat Polo Loco again! Ugh!
Yet like the preacher standing by the podium I am determined to stike fear. I have started to believe that this world is real. That what I do in this dream can affect me, instead of realizing, that only what I chose to affect me will.
This doesn't mean I don't want to try and create a better place for this body of matter to live in. I just don't want to alienate people.
I want to learn how to whisper. A whisper that doesn't have to be heard. A whisper that tickles the listener's ear. A whisper that feels good. A whisper creates curiosity. Shhh....Can you hear me?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Science Fair

Adrian takes a science class at the local recreational center. He loves it. I think it's the girls in the class he loves the most. I have noticed my boy ain't shy with the ladies, but that's not the point.

Adrian decided to tell me while we are working a show, that he has a science project due the next day.

I panicked. I went into the nervous mom mode, frightened my kid would look like an idiot, and worse, frightened I would look like an idiot! Then the guilt came. Why had I not been paying closer attention to what he was doing in his class? Why had I not been picking him up and talking with the teacher more?

I realized after some deep breaths that this was not my problem. That my son had chosen to approach his science project exactly as he had. He was not worried about making an idiot of himself. He was happy to go in with the report he had created on static electricity a couple of weeks prior. I had to let it be.
That night after very little sleep , I found myself wide eyed at 3 am. My stomach ached and I was worried sick about my son going to his class looking like he didn't care and worse like I didn't care! I finally got out of bed, hit the computer and printed out the pictures we had created the night before.

I let Paul accompany him to class the next day, while I stayed and worked the show. I figured he can handle the fool making better than I can. His response to the whole affair was classic: "The science fair is next week."