Sunday, February 21, 2010

Lasting Impressions

So many things are changing, yet everything is the same. I have not worked much since 2009. Soon all the things I have routinely done at home will come to a halt: baking, gardening, & park day. I will instead spend the weekends working shows in Virginia and Maryland visiting with friends, sleeping in different beds and driving rental vans. I will not be able to lean on Paul to back me up.

For many months I had the regularity of meditation and exercise keeping me on track, I was feeling good about going into the new working year, but for the past 2 months I have had a swollen knee due to a torn meniscus, which has put a halt to the intense work out I was enjoying. I'm not sure why I lost the Breathe.

I don't hold onto familiarity and I am not dependent on regularity. I have never really felt settled anywhere. Many, many years ago I was working on the Celestine Prophecy workbook and one of the tasks was to connect the dots that lead to where you are now. In other words what events brought me here, right now. The goal was to understand that there are always many choices we can make, and the one we do make is significant to where we go: It is what we do in the moment that leads to the next moment. I believe I understand with such clarity why I chose to live on St. Thomas because it had everything I "thought I wanted" and everything I really did want.

I often wonder why I moved to Las Vegas. What is the lesson? What was the need?

I believe I moved to Las Vegas, to learn how to be a better parent. I moved here to meet more people who reassure me that by listening to my gut, connecting with my child , and considering his father, I will make the best choices to leave upon my son.

After only a month of moving into our home, I contacted a homeschooling group, who's description appealed to me. "We hope to support and inspire each other on our journeys of living and learning. Because respect for the child is at the core of unschooling, we expect our members to act accordingly on the list and in real life gatherings. We embrace diversity and hope that all who join our group will respect each others' differences and remain open to learning from each other." This group's members have changed since I first joined. There are only 3 families from our original beginnings that are still regulars in the group. Las Vegas, like St. Thomas is filled with transients.

One of the Four Noble Truths: The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. When I meet a friend I know they are not permanent, that my happiness does not rely on their being, but I know that just by calling them friend they have given me a little more understanding of my true self. They have left a lasting impression.

Another transient (though born here is leaving for life on the road) and one I call friend is leaving the LifeLearners, she is moving on, following her heart, facing her fears and becoming her true self. And again I realize that things will change. Our ego wants us to believe these changes are dramatic, but in reality they are subtle.

My ego misses my friend tonight. My ego sheds tears for the absent Wednesday chair.

I am feeling shaken and stirred. It's time to remember to how to breathe.

Friday, February 5, 2010

First Decade Down

Does anyone remember The Homecoming? In it Elizabeth Walton would squeeze her head between her hands. She was exercising, it was to keep her from growing. She wanted to stay small forever. Sometimes I do that to Adrian. We joke about it and laugh.

But honestly, I don't feel sadness of my little boy growing up. He is so awsome and gets more and more awsome every year. Why wouldn't I be happy to get to know this young soul more and more every year?